Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
