I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
