dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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