I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
