If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Tell her she can't have a vagina
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
