She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
