I molested 6 butterflies tonight
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
