You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Randomize
