I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
