Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
