theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
