My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
