He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
