when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
