i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Randomize
