why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
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