he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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