dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize