Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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