wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
