i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
