She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
