he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
