you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
