I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
