my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
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