I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
ttyl tear gas
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Randomize
