another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
