Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
