Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
