Do you still have your period?
apparently the secret to your success is patron
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Randomize
