the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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