Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
foreskin is a definite game changer
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
