I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
