I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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