enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
