i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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