If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
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