Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize