We named our party play list daddy issues
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
