He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
