"it" just moved
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Randomize
