hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Randomize
