you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Just pee around me
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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