Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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