Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
