my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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