he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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