I wish I could punch you in the face.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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