I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
