You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
