You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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