I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
