Your dad touched me again.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
