my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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