FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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