i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
