Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
