Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
